(Left one of my hunting buddies verifying that we are lost on a recent quail hunt) Quail hunting is not only a constant source of embarrassment for me but is a leading contributor to my mental instability. But honestly it isn’t my fault that I can’t seem to hunt quail very well, after all everyone I hunt them with seems to be unable to find success. Take for instance the first time that we ever went quail hunting. My father-in-law and I were out embarrassing ourselves while dove hunting late one winter when we happened across a small covey of quail happily feeding under a tree. Without ever planning on it or prepared to do it, we were hunting quail. In an impressive example of how government ought to work, the covey quickly convened for an emergency meeting and formed several committees that drafted emergency measures to flee the feasting grounds of the tree. The covey fled the area with impressive haste. The total time to convene their meeting was in the area of four to five ten thousandths of a second, followed by an explosion of black and grey bolts of lightning fluttering out in every direction, mostly heading away from us. We of course were in the hunter’s usual prepared state, having our shotguns slung over our shoulders pointed backward. At somepoint during their flight (at approximately 30 yards away from us and leaving quickly) my two brain cells sputtered into action. “Hey, I think that quail can be hunted right now,” I mentioned to my father in law. The sputtering continued, “Yeah pretty sure that we can shoot them all the way into February.” My brain consists of two cells, both of which usually spend their time fighting one another, but stopped momentarily to watch 20 quail head for Mexico. Hours later we were walking back to the truck, I noted to my father-in-law how light my shooting vest had become. “Yeah, well both of us shot 2 boxes of shells chasing after those quail.”
“Yeah, I was impressed with how fast you can pull the trigger on that shotgun of yours,” I said.
“Oh yeah, in less than a second I can put 5 rounds through her. No problem,” He mentioned.
“Well if you remember the one that was flying straight out and away from you for 50 yards, and not ducking or wavering one bit from his flight line; I thought you were going hit him on the fifth shot for sure. I’d say it was just bad luck.”
“Oh definitely bad luck,” he said confidently.
“Hopefully we’ll get some next time,” I asserted.
Since then we have wised up to what was really going on. The revelation came to me when I fired into a covey of 50 or more quail the following year. I was strolling along the desert floor when a familiar noise entered my ears, my brain cells stopped fighting for a moment and confirmed that the little grey streaks bolting out of a prickly pear was a very large covey of quail. The covey so large, and so close, that as they rose from the cactus they actually occluded the sky from my view. “Now I’ve got them,” I said to myself. I fired into the black mass pointing to the most dense part of the swarm, first the top barrel, then the bottom in rapid succession. The details were sketchy, but preliminary reports were that none of the birds went down. Later, after thorough investigation, these preliminary reports were sadly confirmed. Usually I get to pondering while reloading my gun, an opportunity I am routinely afforded. It was while pondering that I had my Eureka moment. “Quail can shift in and out of normal space time!” I yelled. It was so simple, the logic made complete sense. What a triumph for my brain cells! I quickly thanked them for making the obvious come to light. After thinking about it a little longer, I realized that not only can they shift in and out of the regular space-time continuum, but they can also teleport, turn invisible, are able to erect force fields around themselves to keep even the tightest shot pattern from ever moving so much as a feather. Knowing this fact has enriched my quail hunting experience a thousand-fold. Knowing that the 4 ounce, 5 inch tall bird exhibits intelligence several orders of magnitude greater than my own lets me know that when mankind ever shoots and hits one, it will advance us all into a new era of human history, one where we can compete with the most advanced life form ever placed on the planet. So on behalf of all mankind, I will continue to pursue the mighty quail, dominant master of the food chain.
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